Who eats the barley? Who eats the grain?

Well, this is definitely not a traditional beef torta – that usually has fajita meat. It’s not a ground beef or chicken torta, either. I would say this is a mix between torta ahogada – which is a Mexican sandwich drowned in a tomato-y sauce, pork and pickled onions and a traditional torta. It has the crema, mayo, and toppings that a traditional regular ass torta would have but the spicy slightly sauciness of a torta ahogada. Oh yeah, and this is vegan as fuck. 

Let’s get right to it because I am slightly hungover from 2 band practices and 4 shitty beers from the night before. Yeah yeah YEAH. Side note: did you see the line up and schedule was announced for Everything is Not OK today? So. fucking. SIIIIIICK. 

Start out by preheating the oven to 400 degrees and grabbing a baking sheet. You’ll need a couple of large tomatoes, 1 jalapeño and 1 white onion. Prep your onion, deseed your jalapeño and cut the tops off your tomatoes. Add to baking sheet with a sprinkle of salt and pop that shit in the oven for 30 minutes or so.

At the same damn time, deseed 4-5 New Mexico chile pods but do kind of a shitty job at deseeding them and leave a few seeds in there. Toast those fuckers on a comal for a couple minutes then toss those into a pot of boiling hot water along with 4 or so cloves of garlic. Turn off heat. Steep in water for the same amount of time you’re roasting your oven stuff.

Now make vegan mayo! Vegan mayo is soon fucking easy to make, you’ll know exactly what’s going in it and never need to buy it again – unless you want to or you don’t care to make this then skip this step, same goes for the vegan sour cream/crema.

Take a little less 1/2 brick of silken tofu, a little more than 1/2 cup of vegetable oil (or less, but mayo is basically “bad” as fuck for you, vegan or not), juice of 1/2 small lemon, couple squirts of dijon mustard and salt to taste. Blend until smooth. Yeah that’s literally it. If it seems too water, add a little more oil but not too much. THIS MAKES A TON OF VEGAN MAYO. Set aside in bowl or jar for now. What are you going to do with the rest of that tofu you ask? Make vegan sour cream/crema, ya dummy.

This is also incredibly easy and quick to make. Take the remaining silken tofu, 1/2 tablespoon of olive oil, the juice of 3/4 of a lemon, a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar, a crack of some sea salt and blend until smooth.

Pop both mayo and sour cream each in jars or containers of some sort with a sealable lid and put them in the fridge to thicken while you do the rest of this damn thing.

Now go put on your favorite angry as fuck hardcore records and think about how fucking trump is going to be the POTUS tomorrow. And yeah, I refuse to capitalize that sick fuck’s name. He deserves nothing.

About 30 minutes later, add your roasted tomatoes, jalapeño, onion and chili pods (that have been chillin in water) to your blender and blend until smooth. Add a little of the chili water to thin if needed – I did just because it smelled good as hell.

Open 3 cans of jackfruit in brine. Drain, rinse realllllly well and .…this is where it gets tricky to explain. Canned jackfruit will come in triangles. Pick one up and look at it, you see a tough core part kind of where the tip is? Okay cool, start to pull apart the opposite side and you should to start to see something that resembles shredded meat. DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP. Don’t just add all your jackfruit to your pan because it will not be the consistency you want and there are also little seeds throughout. You’ll use about 1/2 or less of each triangle. There’s a lot of wasted parts and I feel kinda bad but I don’t want to eat that shit. This is why you use 3 cans but also because I like leftovers.

Alright so tear it up while listening to TEAR IT UP and set aside. Slice 1 whole onion then open that pit up aka cut rings into halves. You could easily just cut your onion in half and slice but this is how I did it for some reason. Chop some garlic – however much you like. I used 3 cloves. Add some oil to a big ass pan, add your garlic + onion then cook that for a few minutes until onion is a little brown. Add your jackfruit, add your blended tomato-onion-chili-garlic sauce, add a bunch of spices. I used: a palm of nutritional yeast, 3 dashes of cumin, a couple sprinkles of chili powder, a couple dashes of smoked paprika, a little garlic & onion powder and a few cracks of salt + pepper. I also squeezed a large orange and lime in.

Bring everything to a boil for a couple minutes mixing frequently then simmer. I simmered for around 30 minutes to really get it flavorful. While that’s about half way through simmering (assuming you simmer for 20-30 minutes), grab a can of pinto beans, cook with a bit of water and whatever spices you’d like then smash that shit with a potato masher or fork.

Now you’re going to slice an avocado, a tomato and shred some romaine lettuce. Grab some teleras (flat bread rolls – vegan at Fiesta, ya’ll), cut them in half like you would a roll to make two pieces of bread (your sandwich) and toast them lightly however you toast shit. I used my oven and rubbed a little olive oil on the inside of each piece.

It’s reaaaaaady! Take one side of the roll and spread mayo and beans on the other. Top with jackfruit meat, add lettuce & tomato then drizzle with sour cream/crema. Top with sliced avocado.

This makes around 4-6 sandwiches depending on how big your rolls are. Use the leftover jackfruit meat for Mexican style street tacos, eat alone topped with crema and avocado or make a sick fuckin’ ques-O-dilla.


Here’s to our last day without trump. Smell ya later.



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